Foolish day.

A late night run to grab smokes is where this started.  I decided I was going to blog something inspired by a carcinogen stick.

I’m sitting here in my car, with The Rocket Summer powering through me.  

For some reason I got curious, and for some reason nothing hurt this time, it didn’t bring me down.  Am I just finally OK? Doubtful to say ‘completely’.  You never get the full effect of something until you open your eyes and see you’ve got nothing good left.  Sometimes you need an awakening to see what you do have.  

I think about all the things I tried to have with you, and everything about us seems so perfectly flawless now that you’re gone.  I have to reboot myself and remind myself that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.  Sometimes they’re just OK to not be OK.

Then there’s you.  Somedays, I wake up and wish you and I could start from square one, sometimes it pains me to think that we don’t get the ‘fresh’ in a fresh start, but I would never change what happened a year ago.  I wish I could fluster myself with the love and rush of butterflies that used to overcome me, but only time can help me figure that shit out. 

There’s times that I’m vindicated with you, completely left off the hook in every way.  So isolated, and motivated.  There’s a passion that hits me so hard, passion where I see and feel everything that I fell in love with in the first place, and that’s how I know that something about us is just right.  Then there are days where I push it too far, and feel like I’ve pushed myself back a step, and am being dishonest and giving into a temptation I told myself I would wait on.  

Truth is I want to feel myself right now, and I’m doing it.  I hear a song and think about what I want, not someone or something, just me.. and I love it. 

I want to fall in love again,  I don’t want to take something because it’s there.  Half of my heart has a grip on reality, I don’t want anything with only half of my heart. 

My heart is pounding through my chest.  This was the last thing I needed or wanted.  It’s what is throwing me over the edge. 

I need 2 weeks…1 week and 6 days.  I doubt it will happen. 

I’m sorry. 

and I…

Today sucks.  Usual.  I don’t know what sucks anymore.  I don’t know why I’m upset, or why I don’t love anything.  I feel so tired, but I can’t sleep. I’m starving inside, but I don’t eat anything.  Tears just pour down my face.  I always feel like I’ve lost something that I can’t replace, but I have no idea what it is.

Last night, something really funny happened and I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t.  I don’t know why I can’t refocus my energy on trying to fix myself.  

I’m so tired of everything.  I’m tired of feeling like this huge nuisance and burden.  I’m tired of feeling like she’s judging me and so is everyone else.  My phone eventually stopped ringing and going off.  I stopped caring.  I don’t care anymore…about anything. 

I can’t blame anyone but myself.

In the end though…I don’t even know anymore. 

Whiskey

I should’ve just called it like I saw it, I should’ve just called for help and ran like hell that day.

I actually hate how much my mind wanders, and how much it wanders about you.  I just want to feel normal again.  I want the ‘joie de vivre’, I want to be able to stop caring what you’re gonna think, or worry about what label you’re gonna put on me.  

I have the most amazing girl just waiting for me, who would do anything for me and I waste my time wondering why you’re up at 4 in the morning, or if things are happening to push me farther away.  I only miss you when I think about you…I don’t miss you on my own anymore.  One step at a time I guess?  

I’m just so tired of living like this, will this medication ever get out of me?  When do I get to be myself again?

I fucking hate this.